And a Breezer for the lady

I have never really gotten a chance to say that in recent times and even when I have it has usually been used to mock my male friend who clearly hasn't hit puberty. For people who don't know, don't drink or also otherwise known as boring , a breezer is a fruit flavored colorful alcoholic drink usually served to the students of "Alcoholism 101" beginners edition, ladies and guys who sit down and pee. A bold statement coming from a guy who has seen all 8 seasons of Grey's Anatomy.

Today even women have started loving beer. Yes, loving. Gone are the days when the ladies I used to go with just wanted to have fun with a few shots and shout till the stags on the other tables stared at them as if they were in Gurgaon after 8 pm. But it's not all women. a beer drinking woman is a class of its own. Unlike men, where we drink beer and are all the same, headbanging to even Careless Whisper if the bar is playing that.

Women drinking beer are classy. They are part of the elite drinkers class right above the guy who drinks an expensive scotch to show off his knowledge about spirits and eventually adds thumbs up to it when nobody is looking. I have always had an affinity towards women who drink beer. Women beer drinkers are true to themselves. Either that or they are REALLY trying very hard to get back at the guy who once laughed at them when they made 'the face' when they had their first sip of beer.

AH! the face. I am proud to say that I have had the opportunity of seeing 'the face' on many of my female friends. Yes, I was their 'first one' ( @Brewkenstein: Totally awesome  #LadiesMan #SoCoolBRo Follow me #SelfFF) but let's not talk about how I am the first every lady I know has friend-zoned. I am talking about the face women make when they drink beer for the first time. It's like the face they make during an orgasm but totally opposite of that. It's that of sheer disgust like when they see eat a raisin cookie thinking it was a chocolate chip one or when they see a 40 year old woman dressed in a tight leopard print dress or when they see my display picture on a social networking site. What follows however is kind of cute. You can convince them saying,"Ok! you have how much ever you want, I'll finish the rest." (as if we never had eyes for her beer to begin with. I said BEER, you pervs.) and they do get impressed and have another sip. It's very similar to knowing your ex was a bad guy yet going back to him.

What follows is nothing short of a miracle. the glorious words (no, not "let's make out!") ,"I think I'll have another one." and this way you realise you have introduced another human being to the wonderful elixir that is beer. The God of Beer smiles upon you and blesses you with lifelong virginity. I call this Beer Karma. (no I don't. I am just adding words here so that my blogpost looks big and impressive)

Soon to follow this post, 'How men drink their beer.'

Well, its basically summed up in the following sentences.
"Oh man! this is epic."
" I freakin love this song."
" Listen to me bro this is not the beer talking, but I really love you guys man."
" Why wont she reply to my texts? Why doesnt she answer my calls anymore? Am I a bad guy."
"Screw you , mate. I am not drunk, i'll drive."

Basically, for a guy, a beer is the cheapest sex change operation in the world.

Yup, wont be wasting an entire post elaborating that.

Cheers. 

Sir, is it chilled enough?

The first words of every waiter at a bar be it shady or sophisticated. The waiter, with a smile on his face, will always offer the bottle to you to check whether it is chilled (much like your ex girlfriend's heart, at times the reason why you are in the bar) or not. If it isn't cold and you do happen to mention it to him, out comes a quick reply, "This is the coldest we have,sir" and his smile is replaced by a look on his face that says,"Its beer, gulp it , pay for it and get out, you cheap fuck."


A Beer bar is an awesome place to be if you are,
1. A beer lover.
2. A non-drinker.
3. Well, a human being.
I have never heard anyone say let’s NOT go to a bar (Moms don't count).Many times its for the drinks but at times just like Mr. waiter, we have a few typical characters at every bar. Much like the watering holes in Africa, a bar is a place where you can see all types of people at the same time. The alcohol only makes them more interesting over time out of which these characters you would find at every bar.


1. The First Timers: Usually this kind of “I-just-passed-my-10th-and-want-to-celebrate-my-freedom" people come in large groups. They are chaotic, they are loud and worst of all they are too many in number. At the same time they are afraid, scared and paranoid. They have one eye on the beer and other on the door of the bar, to make sure their Cheating father/ Suicidal Teacher/ Younger Brother doesn’t walk in. 
Average consumption of beer: 1 mug OR one sip if the person is female.


2. The “LOOK-AT-US" Couple: The only reason a couple would come to a bar is cause they are tired of making out in private. The guy has a smug look on his face that shouts" that’s right, bitches, I nailed her" while the girl is smiling and has a “Look, me has rich boyfriend and pretty pink nails which matches the color of my drink." face
Average Consumption of Beer: “Beer? Please no...I’ll have only the costliest cocktail. And yea make sure its pink."


3. The Friendzoned Guy and The Love of His Life: The most common site at any joint. A smiling guy who is listening to EVERY word the girl is saying, because her boyfriend "would never take me to a bar so cool or listen to me or buy me free drinks or gift me a Rs. 3000 pink stuffed teddy bear on my birthday."


Average consumption of beer: 4 mugs. Same as the number of mugs the guy cries every night.


4. The Wolfpack: Usually, a group of engineering students who have just finished reading the index page of their newly bought/borrowed engineering textbooks and have decided to reward themselves with a few pints. Also, this is their only chance to get into contact (visually) with HUMANS of the opposite sex. They may look dangerous with their long hair and their unwashed Black Sabbath T-shirts, but they are harmless. In fact, ladies, if you ever want to play mind games with them, just look at them and wave. Their system WILL crash.


Average consumption of beer: 6 Mugs. 16, if their result was declared that day.


5. The Gossip Girls: The reason why stags aren't allowed into bars. They are beautiful, well dressed, demure, classy and gorgeous (when they enter). They know they have the attention, they know the wolfpack is staring, they DON'T give a fuck. However, they are in the bar only for "SHOTS! LET’S DO SHOTS! EVERYBODY SHOTS! WOOOOHOOOO! SHOTS!" a short time. The rest of the evening is spent in the loo, either taking duck face photos or holding each other’s hair while the "SHOTS! WOOOHOOOO!" are doing their job. Mostly laughed at when leaving the bar.


Average consumption of beer: 0. "SHOTS! WOOOOHOOO! SHOTS"


6. The Forever Alone: The sad guy sitting at the bar. He is either a really lonely guy or an art junky. But don’t let his appearance fool you. That guy gets free drinks. Deep inside he is a very happy man. Bastard.

Average consumption of beer: infinity or as long as his friend is the bartender.


Well, you do have other types such as businessmen who have lost a lot in stocks, a couple who hate each other and creepy people who look at other people and share it to the world on their blog. 


I love bars and I love beer, if you still haven't got it.


I share with you my first post and just like our waiter asked, “Sir, Is it chilled enough?"


-Brewkenstein